Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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A dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, “You know there are only nine words here? You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!”
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Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves one day and the wolves chased them into a thicket where they hid.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”
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A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields.
Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it.
The farmer said, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”
The guy said, “He looks just fine. Tell you what, I’ll give you $1,000 for him.”
The farmer again said, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”
The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500.
The farmer said, “Well, he doesn’t look so good but if you want him that much he’s yours.”
So the guy bought the horse and took him home.
The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad. He shouted at the farmer, “Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!”
The farmer calmly said, “I told you he didn’t look too good, didn’t I?”
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A tourist was sport-fishing off the Florida coast one day when his boat capsized.
He was a good swimmer, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned boat.
After a while he saw an old beachcomber walking along the shore, so he shouted over to him, ”Are there any gators around here?”
The old man shouted back, “Naw, they ain’t been around for years.”
This reassured the tourist and, feeling safe, he started to swim calmly and leisurely toward the shore.
He’d got about halfway when he shouted out and asked the old guy,”So, how’d you get rid of the gators?”
The old beachcomber replied, “We didn’t do nothin;.”
“All the sharks got ’em.”
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• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin Crisp
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Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be changed and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
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Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.
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A boy breaks on old vase at a rich uncle‘s house.
The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!”
The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”
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A guy goes to the movies one night.
He’s enjoying the film when he notices a horse sitting next to him.
Somewhat surprised to say the least, he asks, “Are you a horse?”
The horse replies, “Yes.”
The guy says, “What are you doing at the movies?”
The horse says, “Well, I liked the book.”
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A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother had disappeared.
She woke her husband and insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
So the hunter picked up his rifle and started to look for his mother-in-law along with his wife.
After a short time they came across a clearing not far from the camp, where they saw a chilling sight.
The mother-in-law was backed up against a giant rock with a large male lion facing her.
The wife cried to her husband, “Aren’t you going to help?”
Her husband replied, “No, the lion got himself into this mess so let him get himself out of it.”
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Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car one day when another hunter approached pulling his deer along too.
He watched them and said, “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something but I can tell you it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
With that he left them, still dragging his deer behind him.
After a quick discussion the two rednecks decided to follow his advice.
A short time later one of them said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”
The second redneck replied, “Yeah, but we’re getting further and further from the truck.”
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A jockey is riding the favourite in a big horse race one day and is well ahead of the field.
Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He somehow manages to keep control of his horse and pulls back into the lead once more, only to then be hit by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies.
Using all his ability, he manages to steer his horse back into the lead as he goes over the last fence and into the run-in.
But then he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
This time, despite all his best efforts, he can’t regain the lead and only manages to finish second.
He immediately goes to the stewards and complains that he has been seriously hampered.
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A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.”
The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”
The horse says, “Me neither!”
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When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”
My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”
“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”
“Two thousand.”
“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”
“Five thousand!”
We eloped to Spain.
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Two police officers crash their car into a tree.
After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
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Light travels faster than sound.
That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.
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A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”