*
*
*
*
*
Dad jokes… 
*
More Dad jokes…
*
*
*
*
*
*
Category: Wildlife
Happy Wednesday.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Friday Funnies.
A Man Takes His Cross-Eyed Dog To The Vet
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” the man asks.
“Well I’m not sure,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So the vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
58 Funny Puns You Can’t Wait To Use
1. How do you throw a space party? You planet.
2. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
3. Nope. Unintended.
4. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.
5. A scarecrow says, “This job isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.”
6. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”
7. Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.
8. What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.
9. The broom swept the nation away.
10. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
11. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
12. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
28. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
29. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
30. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
31. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
32. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
33. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.
34. What happens when you eat too many spaghetti-o’s? You have a vowel movement.
35. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
36. Sausage puns are the wurst.
37. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
38. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.
39. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
54. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.
58. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
55. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
56. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
57. How do trees access the internet? They log on.
A Young Weasel Walks Into A Bar…
A 14-year-old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
“Sir, you look extremely young. I can’t serve you even a single beer.”
“Oh c’mon. You can’t just slide me one?”
“Can’t and will not serve to anyone under age.”
“Fine. Well what other things do you have?”
“Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
25 Animals That Sleep Wherever They Please.
Cheers For Friday.
*
Cheers For Thursday.
*
*
*
Happy Sunday.
Friday Funnies.
Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
——————————————————————-
The Blonde and the Lawyer.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb…
——————————————————————
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
——————————————————————
Clever Anagrams.
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
—————————————————————–
And that’s how the fight started
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s how the fight started…
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’ And that’s when the fight started…
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first… ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And that’s how the fight started…
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’ And that’s how the fight started…
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale… And that’s how the fight started…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’ ‘Yes,’ she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend… I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? And that’s how the fight started…
I rear-ended a car this morning… So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’ So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And that’s how the fight started…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’ The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. And that’s how he fight started…
