Category: Deep & Meaningful
Monday Laughs.
Saturday Smile Makers.
A Few New Pics For Wednesday.
Doctor Jokes.
Pregnancy
Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital.
Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”
The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”
“SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”
“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”
Quarantine
“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet…
What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”
“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”
High Fever
My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.
After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?”
Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”
Toilet
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
Medical History
Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor.
After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”
Alcohol
Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”
Blood Pressure
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
“Neither, my wife’s.”
“What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
Just Being Practical
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.
After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
Good News Bad News
Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news. Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”
Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”
“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”
“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”
Sunday Memes.
Modern Life – Smarphones
Wash Your Dish
Pizza Labels As Name Tags
Pokemon Memes – The Pokemon Go Trend
Pokemon Memes – Chuck Norris
Getting A Real Job
People Are Like Refrigerators
Brexit – The Alien Perspective
Babysitters
Alpha Male
When You Try To Be The Alpha Male.
When You Ask Her What’s Wrong
When Your Friends Cancel
Roadworks
Grins and snickers.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
“When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!”
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” John said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”
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I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”
(Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?)
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”
They were seated immediately.
(I tried this once. It didn’t work.)
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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is going to poison me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s going to poison me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
He says, “I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said, “Yes”
and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”
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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
