Category: Fails
Happy Friday.
A Few New Pics For Wednesday.
Doctor Jokes.
Pregnancy
Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital.
Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”
The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”
“SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”
“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”
Quarantine
“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet…
What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”
“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”
High Fever
My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.
After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?”
Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”
Toilet
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
Medical History
Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor.
After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”
Alcohol
Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”
Blood Pressure
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
“Neither, my wife’s.”
“What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
Just Being Practical
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.
After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
Good News Bad News
Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news. Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”
Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”
“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”
“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”
Funny Statements From Insurance Claims.
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
-
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
-
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
-
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
-
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
-
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
-
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
-
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
-
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
-
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
-
I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
-
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
-
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
-
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
-
I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
-
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
-
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
-
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
-
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
-
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
-
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
-
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
-
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Pictures for January 19th.
Sunday Memes.
Modern Life – Smarphones
Wash Your Dish
Pizza Labels As Name Tags
Pokemon Memes – The Pokemon Go Trend
Pokemon Memes – Chuck Norris
Getting A Real Job
People Are Like Refrigerators
Brexit – The Alien Perspective
Babysitters
Alpha Male
When You Try To Be The Alpha Male.
When You Ask Her What’s Wrong
When Your Friends Cancel
Roadworks
Some Jokes.
A Movie Bet
Two fellas were watching an old cowboy movie and it came to the part when the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff. One of the guys said to the other, “Hey, I’ll bet you 10 bucks that he rides over the cliff.” The other said, “Your on!”
Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The fella that lost the bet paid up. A while later, the guy who won said, “Hey, I’m feeling a little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession … I already have seen the movie.” The other fella replied, “Well, I have also seen the movie before … but I didn’t think he’d do it again!”
Church Bulletin Bloopers
“For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
**********************
“The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.”
**********************
“The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.”
**********************
“Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.”
**********************
“Anointing of the sick … If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.”
**********************
“The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.”
**********************
The sermon title this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD
**********************
The sermon this morning: GOSSIP … THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY
**********************
The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES # 3 … EUTHANASIA
The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE
Odd Newspaper Headlines From Around the World
-
Include your children when baking cookies
-
Something went wrong in jet crash
-
Experts says police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
-
Safety experts say that school bus passengers should be belted
-
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
-
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
-
Miners refuse to work after death
-
Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant
-
Two Soviet ships collide, one dies
-
Red tape holds up new bridge
-
Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft
-
Kids make nutritious snacks
-
Man minus ear waives hearing
A Woman, a Beach, a Bottle and a Genie
A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.
“You have released me from my prison,” the genie told her. “To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish, your mate will receive double of whatever you request.”
“Why?” the woman asked. “That bum left me for another woman.”
“That is how it is written,” replied the genie.
The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.
“And your second wish?”
“Genie, I want the world’s most expensive diamond necklace.” Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.
“Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels than I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?”
The genie said it was indeed true.
“Okay, genie, I’m ready for my last wish,” the woman said. “Scare me half to death.”
The Fatted Calf
Over at Fortitude Holiness Tabernacle, Dexter Rice, the Sunday School teacher, was telling his class the story of the Prodigal Son. Wishing to emphasize the resentful attitude of the elder brother, he laid stress on this part of the parable.
After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, Dexter spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion. “Can anybody in the class,” he asked, “tell me who this was?”
Nine year old Olivia Crombie had been listening sympathetically to the story. She waved her hand in the air. “I know!” she said beamingly. “It was the fatted calf.”
Different Viewpoints
Three people were visiting and viewing the Grand Canyon — an artist, a pastor and a cowboy. As they stood on the edge of that massive abyss, each one responded with a cry of exclamation. The artist said, “Ah, what a beautiful scene to paint!” The minister cried, “What a wonderful example of the handiwork of God!” The cowboy mused, “What a terrible place to lose a cow!”
Dumb Questions from Lawyers.
Dumb Questions from Lawyers
The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:
-
“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
-
“Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”
-
Q: “What happened then?”
A: “He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'”
Q: “And did he kill you?” -
“Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
-
“The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?”
-
“Were you alone or by yourself?”
-
“Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”
-
Q: “I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?”
A: “That’s me.”
Q: “Were you present when he picture was taken?” -
“Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”
-
Q: “Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by whose death was it terminated?” -
Q: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
A: “I’ll be three months on November 8th.”
Q: “Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: “Yes.”
Q: “What were you doing at that time? -
“So you were gone until you returned?”
-
Q: “She had three children right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?” -
“Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?”
-
“You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”
-
Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?” -
Q: “Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?”
A: “The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.”
Q: “And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?”