Category: People

Doctor Jokes.

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels.  His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital.

Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor.   “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”

The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”

“SHIRLEY!”  Brian screamed on the top of his lungs,  “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”

“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

Quarantine

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice,  “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”

“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet…

What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”

“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

 

High Fever

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering  you the most?”

Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”

 

Toilet

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

 

Medical History

Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City.  Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor.

After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”

 

Alcohol

Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”

 

Blood Pressure

A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.

“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.

“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.

“Neither, my wife’s.”

“What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”

“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”

 

Just Being Practical

A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.

After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself

On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”

“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”

 

Good News Bad News

Bob was  in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.  Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she  would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.

“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”

Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”

“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”

Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out,  “Eva, what’s the good news?”

“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”

Funny Statements From Insurance Claims.

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

  • Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

  • I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

  • I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

  • As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

  • I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

  • I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

  • I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

  • The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.