Category: Women

Some Jokes.

A Movie Bet

Two fellas were watching an old cowboy movie and it came to the part when the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff. One of the guys said to the other, “Hey, I’ll bet you 10 bucks that he rides over the cliff.” The other said, “Your on!”

Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The fella that lost the bet paid up. A while later, the guy who won said, “Hey, I’m feeling a little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession … I already have seen the movie.” The other fella replied, “Well, I have also seen the movie before … but I didn’t think he’d do it again!”

Church Bulletin Bloopers

“For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”

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“The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.”

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“The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.”

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“Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.”

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“Anointing of the sick … If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.”

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“The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.”

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The sermon title this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH

The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

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The sermon this morning: GOSSIP … THE SPEAKING OF EVIL

The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

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The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES # 3 … EUTHANASIA

The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE

 

Odd Newspaper Headlines From Around the World

  • Include your children when baking cookies

  • Something went wrong in jet crash

  • Experts says police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

  • Safety experts say that school bus passengers should be belted

  • Drunk gets nine months in violin case

  • Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents

  • Miners refuse to work after death

  • Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant

  • Two Soviet ships collide, one dies

  • Red tape holds up new bridge

  • Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft

  • Kids make nutritious snacks

  • Man minus ear waives hearing

 

A Woman, a Beach, a Bottle and a Genie

A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.

“You have released me from my prison,” the genie told her. “To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish, your mate will receive double of whatever you request.”

“Why?” the woman asked. “That bum left me for another woman.”

“That is how it is written,” replied the genie.

The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.

“And your second wish?”

“Genie, I want the world’s most expensive diamond necklace.” Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.

“Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels than I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?”

The genie said it was indeed true.

“Okay, genie, I’m ready for my last wish,” the woman said. “Scare me half to death.”

The Fatted Calf

Over at Fortitude Holiness Tabernacle, Dexter Rice, the Sunday School teacher, was telling his class the story of the Prodigal Son. Wishing to emphasize the resentful attitude of the elder brother, he laid stress on this part of the parable.

After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, Dexter spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion. “Can anybody in the class,” he asked, “tell me who this was?”

Nine year old Olivia Crombie had been listening sympathetically to the story. She waved her hand in the air. “I know!” she said beamingly. “It was the fatted calf.”

Different Viewpoints

Three people were visiting and viewing the Grand Canyon — an artist, a pastor and a cowboy. As they stood on the edge of that massive abyss, each one responded with a cry of exclamation. The artist said, “Ah, what a beautiful scene to paint!” The minister cried, “What a wonderful example of the handiwork of God!” The cowboy mused, “What a terrible place to lose a cow!”

 

 

A Few Jokes For Today.

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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A dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it:

“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, “You know there are only nine words here? You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!”

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Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves one day and the wolves chased them into a thicket where they hid.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”

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A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields.

Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it.

The farmer said, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”

The guy said, “He looks just fine. Tell you what, I’ll give you $1,000 for him.”

The farmer again said, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”

The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500.

The farmer said, “Well, he doesn’t look so good but if you want him that much he’s yours.”

So the guy bought the horse and took him home.

The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad. He shouted at the farmer, “Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!”

The farmer calmly said, “I told you he didn’t look too good, didn’t I?”

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A tourist was sport-fishing off the Florida coast one day when his boat capsized.

He was a good swimmer, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned boat.

After a while he saw an old beachcomber walking along the shore, so he shouted over to him, ”Are there any gators around here?”

The old man shouted back, “Naw, they ain’t been around for years.”

This reassured the tourist and, feeling safe, he started to swim calmly and leisurely toward the shore.

He’d got about halfway when he shouted out and asked the old guy,”So, how’d you get rid of the gators?”

The old beachcomber replied, “We didn’t do nothin;.”

“All the sharks got ’em.”

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Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

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Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be changed and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.

Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

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Why does it suck to be a penguin?

Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.

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A boy breaks on old vase at a rich uncle‘s house.

The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!”

The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”

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A guy goes to the movies one night.

He’s enjoying the film when he notices a horse sitting next to him.

Somewhat surprised to say the least, he asks, “Are you a horse?”

The horse replies, “Yes.”

The guy says, “What are you doing at the movies?”

The horse says, “Well, I liked the book.”

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A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother had disappeared.

She woke her husband and insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

So the hunter picked up his rifle and started to look for his mother-in-law along with his wife.

After a short time they came across a clearing not far from the camp, where they saw a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was backed up against a giant rock with a large male lion facing her.

The wife cried to her husband, “Aren’t you going to help?”

Her husband replied, “No, the lion got himself into this mess so let him get himself out of it.”

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Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car one day when another hunter approached pulling his deer along too.

He watched them and said, “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something but I can tell you it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”

With that he left them, still dragging his deer behind him.

After a quick discussion the two rednecks decided to follow his advice.

A short time later one of them said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”

The second redneck replied, “Yeah, but we’re getting further and further from the truck.”

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A jockey is riding the favourite in a big horse race one day and is well ahead of the field.

Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He somehow manages to keep control of his horse and pulls back into the lead once more, only to then be hit by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies.

Using all his ability, he manages to steer his horse back into the lead as he goes over the last fence and into the run-in.

But then he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

This time, despite all his best efforts, he can’t regain the lead and only manages to finish second.

He immediately goes to the stewards and complains that he has been seriously hampered.

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A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.”

The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”

The horse says, “Me neither!”

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Father of The Bribe

When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”

My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”

“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”

“Two thousand.”

“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”

“Five thousand!”

We eloped to Spain.

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Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

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Light travels faster than sound.

That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

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The Right Diagnosis

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”

The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

 

Best Fails of January – Week 1 2017

https://youtu.be/zrjBON3h-lE

Brand new weekly compilation of the BEST FAILS of January 2017. Including a selection of broken tables, playground face plants, stupid stunts caught on camera, broken ankles, firework fails, drunken karate fails, explosions, accidents caught on tape and more funny viral clips, bloopers, outtakes and moments.

From The Best Fails via YouTube

Understand Women?

An oldie but a goodie:

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach. Suddenly the sky cleared

Above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?’

Grins and snickers.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
“When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!”

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” John said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”

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I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

(Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?)

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”

They were seated immediately.

(I tried this once. It didn’t work.)

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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom.

The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is going to poison me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s going to poison me. What should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man.

He says, “I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said, “Yes”

and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Edna & Ralph.

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry…

How soon can I go home?’

You can do your bit by remembering to share this joke with an unstable friend.

I’ve done my part!!!