Category: Uncategorized

A Few Jokes For You.

Just for something a little different, here’s a few jokes:

Proper Way To Call Someone A Bastard.

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join hi

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”

The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

******************************* 

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts and arrogance.  It’s Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, “No other word and no other language can do it justice.  Read the story below and you will understand.

THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH
 
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
 
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.
 
This went on for more than three years.  The two of them never spoke.
 
One day, as the young man passed the old lady’s stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
 
Without blinking an eye she said:
 
“They’re 35 cents now”
****************************
A female CNN  journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western  Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long  time.

So she went to  check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up  to the holy site.  She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when  he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him  for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir,  I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”

“Morris Feinberg,”  he replied.

“Sir, how long  have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60  years.”

“60 years!  That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace  between the Christians, Jews, and the  Muslims.”

“I pray for all the  wars and all the hatred to stop.”

“I pray for all our  children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow  man.”

“I pray that  politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of  their own interests.”

And finally “I pray  that everyone will be happy”.

“How do you feel  after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking  to a Brick wall!”

*****************************

 The curse of surgery…

So, “I’m getting circumcised tomorrow.”
My friend told me that he had that done when he was a few days old.
I asked him “Does it hurt?”

He said, “Well I couldn’t walk for about a year!”

*****************************

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi … And he needed a loan,

So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

His name was BUBBA..

*****************************

A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want $100, and there’s another condition.”

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand —He then looks her square in the eyes, & says slowly and clearly: “Paint – my – house.”

(Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains…)

*****************************

 

Friday Funnies.

A Man Takes His Cross-Eyed Dog To The Vet

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

“My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” the man asks.

“Well I’m not sure,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”

So the vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

 

58 Funny Puns You Can’t Wait To Use

1. How do you throw a space party? You planet.

2. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

3. Nope. Unintended.

4. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

5. A scarecrow says, “This job isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.”

6. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

7. Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.

8. What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.

9. The broom swept the nation away.

10. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

11. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.

12. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

28. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

29. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

30. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

31. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

32. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

33. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

34. What happens when you eat too many spaghetti-o’s? You have a vowel movement.

35. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

36. Sausage puns are the wurst.

37. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

38. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

39. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

54. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

58. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

55. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

56. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

57. How do trees access the internet? They log on.

 

A Young Weasel Walks Into A Bar…

A 14-year-old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.

“Sir, you look extremely young. I can’t serve you even a single beer.”

“Oh c’mon. You can’t just slide me one?”

“Can’t and will not serve to anyone under age.”

“Fine. Well what other things do you have?”

“Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.