I called my sister recently to organize a visit and my six-year-old niece answered the phone, so I asked if I could share her room. she replied they already had visitors and that her room was taken.
I could hear their family dog barking in the background, so I jokingly asked: “How about I sleep with Milo in her kennel?”
“Sorry,” my niece replied matter-of-factly, “Only one dog can sleep in there at a time.”
From Deepa Naidoo, via Reader’s Digest.
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic. …
This is what transpired.
Dr. Young: — “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: — “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor Young: “Oh no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak – I can hardly see !!!!
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so — ” Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of the story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer “
For those of us who remember Milk deliveries in Bottles, here is a good example of a collection of notes left in milk bottles…
Dear milkman: I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one..
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday’s note.. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
Milkman please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
Good aren’t they? Share them and make someone else smile today.
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
Social Media IRL (that’s “In Real Life” if you were unsure)
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening.
I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have three people following me — two police officers and a psychiatrist.
Source: Nancy L. Clark, Points, West Virginia
Healthy Retirement!
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT
| 1. | At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at passing cars, and watch ’em slow down! |
| 2. | On all your cheque stubs, write ‘For Marijuana’! |
| 3. | Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get. |
| 4. | Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. |
| 5. | Sing along at The Opera. |
| 6. | When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I Won! I Won!’ |
| 7. | When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the Car Park, yelling, ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’ |
| 8. | Tell your children over dinner: ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go…. |
| 9. | PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS. |
| And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite: | |
| 10. | Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”! |
Romance
Barb was lying in bed one night.
Al was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.
” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said:
“Then you used to kiss me…” Mildly irritated,
he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck…”
Angrily, Al threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” Barb asked..
“To get my teeth!”
Old Friends
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me…
I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name.
I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it.
Please tell me what your name is.
” Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said,
“How soon do you need to Know?”
Senior Driving
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,
” Vernon , I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-25.
Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad.
The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
“I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said,
“Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! And that Matters ?”
