A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” the man asks.
“Well I’m not sure,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So the vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
1. How do you throw a space party? You planet.
2. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
3. Nope. Unintended.
4. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.
5. A scarecrow says, “This job isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.”
6. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”
7. Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.
8. What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.
9. The broom swept the nation away.
10. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
11. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
28. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
29. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
30. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
31. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
32. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
33. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.
34. What happens when you eat too many spaghetti-o’s? You have a vowel movement.
35. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
36. Sausage puns are the wurst.
37. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
38. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.
39. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
54. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.
58. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
55. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
56. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
57. How do trees access the internet? They log on.
A 14-year-old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
“Sir, you look extremely young. I can’t serve you even a single beer.”
“Oh c’mon. You can’t just slide me one?”
“Can’t and will not serve to anyone under age.”
“Fine. Well what other things do you have?”
“Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.